From the S1 Blu-Ray edition

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Episode 1 ‘Strange Love’

A helpful map of Bon Temps is provided as the setting changes from scene to scene.

At the beginning while the Grabbit Kwik clerk watches Nan Flanagan verbally spar with Bill Mar, several videos are available to provide background.

Video

Coming Out of the Coffin

In Focus: Vampires in America

Part I

Part II

Background

Billy Bob

Wayne Bosen (born 1949/made vampire 1996) was leader of Friday Night Fish Fry where he and his high school buddies tossed back six-packs of Dixie Draft, fished ’till they couldn’t see straight, then fried up whatever they caught. One Friday Fry Night in ’96, a man calling himself Buck approached, talking like they all had the same history, only none of the guys seemed to recall him. They blamed their fuzzy memory on too much Dixie and handed Buck a rod. By the time the boat came back, Buck had made meals out of all the other boys and turned Wayne.

Hints

*Sookie wields the chain in a way that takes even her by surprise, something she chalks up to luck. But luck cannot explain why the chain keeps tightening around Mack’s neck after she lets go.

*Note who wrote the book Gran is reading. (Charlaine Harris)

*Sookie seems to be able to sense Bill’s presence somehow…

*Bill recognizes Sookie is more special than even she realizes.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Sookie– Ma life sho has shit fucked up but my friend Sookie, she got a 24-365 freak show goin’ on in that cute lil’ head o’ hers. I’m not talkin’ nothin’ bad about ma girl. She a glass a lemonade on any hot fuck of a day, and dem boyz…They sho do like her cute ass in those sweet little shorts Sam got her paradin’ around in. But ma friend Sook, she ain’t havin’ none a that. Girl like that…knowin’ things she never wanted to know makes havin nearly any kind of a relationship near fuckin’ impossible and as for her abilities…girl keep ‘em locked up like a dirty little secret most days. But the dark’s gotta slip out sometime, don’t it?

On Tara– Biatch got sass! Biatch got style! Biatch got one helluvuh nasty drunk fo’ a momma! Ma cuzin Tara…she too fuckin’ smart fo’ ‘er own good. Shows is, and I got the feelin’ that she could crawl outta this Podunk town if she really put her mind to it. She won’t ever do it tho…and she get her smart ass mouth from her mammy, Lettie Mae, which is not gonna bode well in her future if she don’t learn to shut the fuck up every once in a while. An’ growin’ up…with her mama…She useta put us in this little kiddie play prison type shit to keep us from dying or..or…drownin’ or whatever the fuck she was thinking while she dove head first into some Capt’n Morgan. Now I’d be cryin’ an’ freak the fuck out like I was in a episode a Oz, and Tara’d calmly plan ‘er escape. Hm…Bitch was crazy. She’d always take me with ‘er. I’ll give ‘er that.

On Denise and Mack– Ever bite into a big ol’ juicy hot dog all happy and shit and ya chomp down on some nasty piece a I-donno-what-the fuck-this-is-an’-I-don-wanna-know? That’d be Denise and Mack Rattray. Mack took one look at Denise years back at that meat wrap an’ thought anybody that can haul around that much pork and still look good in a titty top is gonna take him off the white trash market, and the two a them’s been drunk and high ever since. Denise been harpin’ on Mack about poppin’ out a kid, but ol’ Mack’s been shootin’ out blanks for years now. I’m thinkin’ God had a little hand in that one. It’s only so far you can spread stupid before the world just goes to hell.

On himself– Me? I’m just yo’ average sexy ass short order cook in Nowhere, Louisiana tryin’ to get the fuck up outta this town before it starts to make a bit o’ damn sense ta me. People aroun’ here are all up in each others business…Who’s sleepin’ with who’s huzban’? Who’s a redneck narrow-minded sonoffabitch? Who’s fuckin’ a vampire? Who’s doin’ this and that? I don’t give a fuck about nobody’s business other than my own shit. And my shit is working hard…and playin’ harder and stayin’ hard-est for those who wanna dark cuppa my hot chocolate, and biatch…they is manys…Sho iz. Caon’t get outta Nowhere unless ya got an idea somewhere, and Lafayette got more than ideas. Lafayette’s got plans…you’ll see.

On Maudette– Maudette…Bon Temp’s nasty girl nex doe…sometimes in a good way…sometimes not, if ya knowz whad I’m sayin’. Parents thought they raised a good little Christian girl, and the way she prayed so hard on Sundays, you’d believe it. ‘Cept if you could hear what all she was repentin’ fo’ the night before. Now Maudette was a sweet thing just waiting for vampires to come outta the coffin so she could getta taste a that trouble, and the way I heard it…plenty a vampires were linin’ up ta getta taste a her, too. Now Jason Stackhouse wants ta believe she only did it once widda blood sucka. Ain’t nothin’ Muadette Pickens done just once in her whole lil’ delicious life.

On Sam– Now there ain’t nothin’ bad you can say about Sam Merlotte. That boy is a fuck load a loyal. Never said a bad word. Always paid me on time, and gave me a night off whenever there was a sweet motherfuckin’ party goin’ on in Shreveport. I mean that Goddamn bar is his life. Shit. He even sleeps next to it, and Lord knows he could stand a night off…or two ta find himself some hot tail. The sweet lil’ pup deserves it. All my time knowin’ ‘im, the worst I can say about ‘im is he got too much heart in that straight man chest o’ his, and that’s bound to fuck up a good man some time.

On the VRA– The VRA, Vampire Rights Amendment, once again the gov’ment gotta put it in writin’ that everyone’s equal ’cause small ass minded society is too stupid to figure that shit out. People…vampires…hell if ya wanna pay for your food and buy your house and do whatever nasty shit you wanna in your bedroom, who the fuck is anybody to stop ya? The American Vampire League has got it goin’ on, I’m tryin’ ta tell ya. Dem motherfuckers got posters, campaigns, big fuckin’ signs on big fuckin’ streets in big mother fuckin’ cities scaring the shiiite outta narrow minded hate mongers like Fellowship a the Sun. Now the media says the VRA’s gonna pass, and if things go the way they otta…and will…but ya never now until the thing is signed, sealed, and celebrated with a gov’ment cocktail cuz where I come from ya can never underestimate the power o’ fear.

On Jason– Whooo! Jason Stackhouse is God’s gift ta every woman from Shreveport ta Monroe. Now this boy got natural talent on the football field, too…and in just about every bedroom in Bon Temps. ‘Cept for mine a course. Truly straight boys are boring as fuck no matter how pretty the package. Now Stackhouse was nearly good enough ta get himself a football scholarship, but some folk are born ta stay just where they are, being loyal to the ones they love best, and nobody he loves best than his baby sister, Sook , ‘cept for maybe his gran. Now those’re two women who see right through him and love him anyway, and, if that’s the truth, he may just be the dumbest luckiest mother fuck around.

On vampire blood– Give humans something new, and it’s only a matter of time before someone figures out how ta make cash off it…or get high off it. Vamps came around and people figured out how to do both. Trick is, you gotta be willing to cross some serious ass lines ta do it. Now me…I’m a lover, not a fighter, baby. I gets what I needs, but I gets it right. Mack and Denise, they never got nothin’ in they world they didn’t beg, borrow, or flat out steal, which accounts for his V habit and her need to strap up a vampire, drain his blood, and sell it fo’ some knock off shoes and too tight pants. Hell they even went to jail for it, but that didn’t stop ‘em cause peoples willin’ to spend a helluvuh lotta cash fo’ the sweet red healing juice of a vampire.

On Dawn– Dawn Green…that sexy biatch…knock you out smile…movie star face…and a body that is hot, hot, chili fuckin’ pepper hot. Wasn’t too long ago she and Jason were all up in each other’s arms, but pretty boys like ‘im get bored with the best of ‘em. And soon he was off wit’ some otha sweetness. I guauntee, Jason gets another shot with Dawn and she’ll have ‘im beggin’ for mercy. Ummm…sweet, sweet mercy.

On Gran– You wanna know what the big beatin’ heart of Bon Temp is, ya just take one look at Adele Stackhouse. Now that woman was born givin’ and she ain’t stopped since. If ya ever go ta ‘er house, you’ll smell the deliciousness two miles down the road. When she took in Sookie and Jason, that woman figured out how to be mom, pa, grandma all rolled up in one pie bakin’, rule makin’, no nonsense takin’ package. That woman, she’ll tell it to ya straight, and she don’t care if ya white,ya black, ya orange, ya gay, or ya Episcopalian.

On Hoyt– There is a fine line between lovin’ ya mama and being completely whipped by her. Hoyt Fortenberry’s still tryin’ ta figure that one out. Now he’s decent, naive as all hell, hardest damn worker on the road crew, nextta me, of course. Now ya wouldn’t know it, but he’s prob’ly smarter than his boy Stackhouse, but he’d never even try to prove it. And it doesn’t take genius to take a look at his sweet virgin face and know he never touched a girl in his long lonely fuckin’ life. Guess that’s jus’ the way his mama wants it.

On René– Hell, ya wouldn’t know it from my pretty face, but I’m not exactly a genuine biatch. New people come ta town, it takes me a little minute ta get to know ‘em, but René…the second he picked up his shovel and got bent over and got to workin’ on the road crew, it was like he lived in Bon Temp his whole life, spicy little sexy life, and…he’s the only one of Arlene Fowler’s men I ever thought had the balls to stand up ta her, and still keep her all fired up and shit. Now the worse anybody can say about René is that he did pick a nut case for a girlfriend, but hell, you can say that for just about every white boy in town.

On Arlene– Arlene Fowler is jus’ about the tangiest thing on the menu at Merlotte’s. Girl’s been there since, shit, I think since Sam served his first Dixie Draft and she been runnin’ the roost like the fine lookin’ trash talker mother hen that she is. Now how she juggles two kids, four ex-husbands, René and my plates stacked with hearty Louisiana cuisine, I couldn’t tell your ass, but ya wanna know some waitressin’ done right, you ask her. Ya wanna know anybody’s business ya have no fuckin’ business knowin’, ain’t no one better to ask than Arlene, except Everlee Mason, but that bitch don’t ever leave her house.

Episode 2 ‘First Taste’

Video

Anti-VRA PSA

Background

Bill

William Thomas Compton (born 1835/made vampire 1865) was a loyal son, husband, father, soldier, and friend during his human life. His ancestors, originally from England, came to the New World in the late 17th century and soon settled in Louisiana. After decades wandering the world as a vampire, Bill returned to Bon Temps after the Great Revelation in order to “mainstream” into the community he and his family once called home.

Hints

Listen carefully to how Sookie describes her gift:

“It’s sort of like a stream of consciousness. It gets weird when people are mad or upset and sometimes…sometimes it’s just images.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On making a vampire: Now this ain’t no Bela Legosi shit. Jus’ ’cause Sookie drank Bill’s blood don’t mean she gonna become a vampire. It ain’t that simple. Goin’ from human to immortal is one strange ass fucked up ride, all kinds a ritualistic shit us mortal folk don’t hear much about. Course, I ain’t yo average mortal, so I, me, gots some inside info. Let’s just say there’s some bitin,’ some suckin,’ some drankin,’ and some sleepin’ involved, and  we’ll leave it at that. Hell, if I put it that way, sound jus’ like ma av’rage weekend.

On Ruby Jean and Lettie Mae: Ma momma an’ Tara’s mama are sisters, and in they prime…them hookahs cleaned up good. Ah shiiit! When them bitches stepped out, they stepped out. Partners in crime, I’m tryin’ ta tell you! They could not be stopped. The only thing that did finally stop ‘em was their sheeeite taste in men. Glad that skipped a generation. Ma daddy was a typical road hoppin’ gigolo–loved spreadin’ that seed, and Tara’s daddy was…well…he was something else all together. Ma momma said Lettie Mae never had a problem with drankin’ before that mother fucker came aroun’ Once he did he hit her hard. Got her pregnant with Tara then bounced out of Bon Temps when Tara was one month old. And Lettie Mae…she ain’t never been the same since.

On the Stackhouses: The Stackhouse clan been good people in Bon Temps for, shit, a ways back, and Gran Stackhouse is as close to a livin’ legend as this town got. Course every family has one or two dark horses, and the Stackhouses ain’t no exception–an ounce of telepathy here, a pinch of mental illness there, and no thang. Rumors been swirlin’ foreva about Gran’s brother Bartlett’s absence in recent years, but I ain’t in the bidness of pretendin’ I know what goes on behind closed doors, so don’t get me ta lyin.’

On Terry: Terry Bellefluer, now there’s one brother that jus’ breaks your little heart. Done a tour of duty in Iraq and came back jus’ off the wall trippin.’ Folk takin’ all kinda guesses ’bout what ‘e saw ova there. Some blame it on the killin’; others on the heat stroke, and still others on a mysterious incident in Fallujah, but it don’t even much matter. All I know is ‘e don’t blame no mother fucker, and ‘e don’t try to hide it. The dude jus’ be tryin’ to make it through the day like all a us. Now that’s a man afta my own li’l heart. One a these days I’m gonna sit down with ‘im over some hello mellow ganja and hear how all those insurgents got into his sweet little head. Then I’m gonna fix ‘im a Lafayette cocktail that’ll situate ‘im juuus right.

Episode 3 ‘Mine’

Video

Background

Liam McKnight

(Born 1959, made vampires 1987) Liam spent years playing bass for the punk metal band Anarchy Rains throughout the Southeast, until a man posing as manager of a record label lured Liam and his band members into a “studio,” drank them whole, and made Liam a perpetual 28 year-old. Once he became immortal and developed a taste for human blood, Liam discovered just how anarchy really does reign.

Diane Virginia Hardwicke

(Born 1904, made vampires 1938) Dianeended her human life in Niagara Falls, Canada, the night the Honeymoon Bridge collapsed. Diane had been brought there on a “second honeymoon” by her husband Virgil, with whom she had a tumultuous relationship in which Diane was berated for being barren. This trip turned out to be their last together. No deaths were reported, but Diane knows better.

Worthwhile Hints

*Coffin translates to “God is dead.”–Nietzsche

*Perhaps TruBlood doesn’t satisfy all of the vampires’ needs.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Bill and Diane–Sookie don’t really wanna hear ’bout it, but I think it’s pretty funny. Diane and Bill…let’s just say the hooker thang isn’t reserved for humans. Now sure, vampires don’t need liquor and Vicodin, but that don’t mean they don’t get stupid crazy and do some nasty fuckin’ shit. Bill jus’ ’bout the only man out there who tol’ the truth when he said it jus’ happened one time. Diane and Bill are bona fide proof that, “I was there. She was there,” is an excuse humans been usin’ for centuries. At least with vampires there are no awkward mornin’ afters, now is there? No there isn’t.

On Sam and Tara–Now it’s hard for Sam to give anybody in his life a real chance since his heart belongs to only one girl named Sookie. You can spot loneliness a mile away. Fuck! With Sam Merlotte, you can smell that shit on ‘im, barring an occasional fling here and there with a waitress or sweet nothin.’ Now Sam ain’t no Jason Stackhouse. A man like that is lookin’ to settle down, and he knows exactly who with. The problem is he mightta waited too long to let ‘er in on it, so he goes and figures the nex’ best thing is the girl’s best friend, but Tara’s even more of a lost cause than Sam is when it comes to relationships. And I don’t blame the girl. Pretty much every man she’s known has left her, ignored her, or is as gay as a red state senator in an airport men’s room. Now sure she’s screwed around with, ya know, some ass holes an’ some fuck nuts tryin’ ta master the impossible…trustin’ someone for more than 10 minutes, so I’m gonna say it’s gonna be one helluva strong motha fucka who can whether Tara, but if they stay aroun’ long enough, through ‘er bull shit, they’ll see she’s worth it.

On mainstreaming–Hah…mainstreaming for vamps is the same it is for humans, keepin’ up the appearance of normal and keepin’ you’ freaky shit on the down low. Fo’ Mr. Bill Compton, it’s about comin’ back to the very house his great-great-grand daddy built, livin’ in it like anybody have the right ta do and as long as he don’t feed on his neighbors like they were my signature Cajun chicken wings. Now vampires togetha all in one nest, that’s a all year, every night, drunken fraturintiy whorin’ feedin’ fest and Bill’s swearin’ off that life, tryin’ ta fit in with us human folk the best he can, not that the town a Bon Temps is ready ta make it too easy for ‘im, except Sookie, of course.

On Lettie Mae–Now I was raised not ta talk ugly ’bout yo’ own family, but there’s nothin’ pretty ya can say ’bout the way my Aunt Lettie Mae treats Tara. That shit is fucked up. Every time that woman had a chance to show up, dress up, or wake up, she fucked up in a big ol’ nasty ass way–forgettin’ Tara’s birthdays or fallin’ face down in store bought stale ass cake. She took Tara ta the zoo one time, and Lettie Mae got herself drunk by the alligator pit with some nasty ass maintenance boy leaving Tara on the bench wonderin’ where her mama went. And she was big on promises that I never once saw her deliver, and when the bottle got too low, to its last sip for ‘er…well…that’s a evil no child should ever feel…slapped clear across her whole face. It made Tara tough, though. I mean maybe even too tough for ‘er own good. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

On State Senator David Finch–Lafayette…mmm…is never one ta kiss ‘n’ tell, less it’s Brad Pitt. Then I’m gonna have summa them motha fuckin’ secret video cameras running just like Maudette Pickens. Sheee-it. Y’all know whaddam talkin’ ’bout, but yeah, I do have a certain high profile bizness associate who is loyal, likes his man on man bone action, also likes a liddle bit o’ that…life force, if you will. Neither of which ‘e seems to be able to get from his wife. Awww! Ain’t that jus’ sooo sad fa him an’ everybody else? Oh, yes it is, but the marketplace don’t have time fa such sentimental nonsense. No sir! Not when there’s money to be made, and that is what makes this country so fuckin’ great. We all serve in our own way.

On Earl Stackhouse–Now the way I heard it, Sookie’s grand daddy, Earl Stackhouse, had some special ability of his own, not that he eva talked ’bout it to anybody, ‘cept fer Adele, and people were all up in each otha’s bizness just as much as they are taday. The only thing is they knew ta keep that shit in the family, bafore everythin’ got all Jerry Springered, but I heard how Earl Stackhouse had a knack fer knowin’ when people were in trouble an’ showin’ up jus’ when they needed ‘im most. Now you don’t need ta be a rocket scientist to figure tha’ shit out.

On V–Shit. Don’ y’all look a’ me like tha.’ Everybody wanna judge. Say I’m takin’ a low road by dealin,’ but shit, truth be told, I’ll happy dance down whaddeva road I gotta ta get up outta this motha fucka. No way I’m gonna let this fabulosity burn in this dim ass town, and no real man gonna look opportunity in the eye an’ say, “Naw, my ass is happy flippin’ burgers and spreadin’ asphalt. Thank ya; I’ll pass. Now it ain’t no secret I like ta ya know…ya know…indulge. God made it, and it feels good, and God wants us ta feel good, ya know whad I’m saying. Now when it come ta V, now that shit I’m not talkin’ ’bout cuz that shit’ll fuck up ma whole masta plan. So ya keep ya mother fuckin’ mouth shut ’bout that, ya understand wha’ I’m sayin,’ sweetness?

Episode 4 ‘Escape from Dragon House’

Video

Background

Pam

(No one knows her last name and she refuses to tell anyone.)(Born 1871, made vampire in 1905) She was the daughter of a wealthy London businessman and his peerage wife, who groomed her to be a respectable young lady of society, which bored her to no end. She spent most of her twenties breaking engagements and young men’s hearts. When she met Eric in 1805, she was only too happy to take him up on his offer of immortality. She is fond of saying she never got a taste of life until she died.

Longshadow

(Born 1752, made vampire 1770) He was a member of the Huron tribe who grew up amidst the terror and strife of the French and Indian War. A skilled and merciless warrior, Longshadow fought for both sides, always available to the highest bidder. He met his Maker at a tavern in upstate New York.

Taryn O’Malley

(Born 1825, made vampire 1848) She hails from Ireland. Taryn escaped The Great Potato Famine of 1845 by emigrating to America after her parents died. Landing in Baltimore, Taryn turned to prostitution to support her family. She was made vampire while walking the docks in 1848.

Eric Northman

(Born 1046, made vampire in 1077) As a teenager in ninth century Scandinavia, Eric joined up with a rogue band of warriors who refused to swear allegiance to any kingdom, because, in his own words, “my destiny is to answer to no man.” Eric quickly became the leader of the group, which was briefly infamous for marauding the coast of what is now Germany and Poland, until they mysteriously vanished after a battle in 1077. Eric will not speak about how he was made vampire or who made him.

FYI

*V Juice or “V” is the blood of a vampire which has the power to heel wounds and other maladies almost instantaneously. V has also become the hot new party drug, causing distinctly different reactions in different human beings. Some experience a euphoric state, others find their senses and libido increased exponentially, others may have a psychedelic episode. In rare instances, ingesting too much vampire blood can make a person go mad. Vampires, so far, have kept B’s healing powers a secret from mainstream society, however , black market sales forced the government to declare vampire draining illegal.

* When Bill says, “She is mine,” he is laying claim to Sookie. This is a code strictly adhered to in the vampire world in which another vampires is forbidden from forming a strong alliance with an already claimed human.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Dawn’s neighbor: Faye Lebvre…dat bitch been sittin’ in that room wi’ ‘er nose in otha folk’s lives since ‘er husband got fed up with ‘er seventeen years ago. Got a shitload a crazy ideas in ‘er head, the best one bein’ that the banks were out ta get ‘er, so she been keepin’ every last dime a ‘ers under the mattress ever since. And, ’cause ever’body in Bon Temps knows it, she ain’t never leave from that window. I don’t see what that don’t mean she cain’t change out of that pearl blue mumu, though. I mean, every once in a while, come on, and I swear dat woman’s gonna live ta be a hundred, if she ain’t that a’ready.

On Maxine: Maxine Fortenberry, now that is some serious work. Let me dish it to ya. Now ‘er mama was goin’ be a beauty queen, but she got knocked up wi’ Maxine jus’ before her big shot at Miss Louisiana. Said ”er baby weight ruined the bathing suit portion and ‘er cravings got in the way of ‘er practicing ‘er fire baton…yeah. Always blamed Maxine for ruinin’ ‘er big shot. Now Maxine’s daddy ha’ a used car lot. Maxine’s momma usta, ya know, make local tv commericals for it. They left Maxine alone…a lot, and tha’ poor hookah had nothin’ but junk food and daytime tv ta fill ‘er days. Not much changed, ‘cept now she think the daily bizness of Bon Temps is just another one a ‘er stories…One Life to Live Vicariously.

On Andy: Poor, poor Andy. That fool done think he got it bad, so he make it even worse fo’ hisself. Ya see, the Bellefleurs is old money, but that money ain’t there no mor.’ The think ’bout white folk is, they think they deserve shit based on what they born into. Now most black folk, we ain’t born into nothin’ but nothin,’ so we only got to go up, and Andy been complainin’ ’bout goin’ down since he was a young ‘un. Folks smell that funk on ‘im jus’ back away accordingly. Although, I do think sometime he might be fun ta spen’ the night in jail wit,’ but don’t ya dare tell nobody I said that, bitch, cuz I didn’t.

On Neil: Now Neil Jones iz one a those fools who always gotta toy wi’ the dark side. As..ya know.. ah…I…might have a strand a somethin’ similar, but I like things kinky an’ fun. He likes ‘em kinky an’ wrong. Anyone wi’ a hankerin’ fa that kinda shit jus’ askin’ for trouble wi’ a side a trouble. Now if you throw in some cutie at Fangtasia and a job at a funeral home, and that boy jus’ flirtin’ with the wrong side a everythin.’ Shit. A funeral home.

On Bud: Now Bud Dearborn…he may be a vampire hatin’ small town backwoods sheriff who’s as qualified ta fight crime as I am ta run a fuckin’ convent, but there are some little known facts ’bout the man. He is fierce, mother fuckers, I’m talkin’ fierce on the dance floor.That tire cannot be taken down in a country western lounge, and that kinda boogie, bitches, cannot be taught. The man was born with that gift. Apparently that’s not the only place he got moves neither. A few years back his neighbor called the cops on account a some screamin’ comin’ outta his house. It turns out that the screamin’ was Lynn Dearborn, and it was of a pleasurable variety. I guess all that anger ova vampires got ta be let out somewhere.

Episode 5 ‘Sparks Fly Out’

Background

Lorena Krasiki

(Born 1759, made vampire 1777) She was the illegitimate child of an unmarried lady-in-waiting to Empress Maria Theresa of Austria, who arranged for the bastard child to be raised by the nuns of the Ursuline Convent in Vienna. Lorena was a well-behaved child and model student, although as a lover of nature she would spend hours roaming the countryside gathering flowers, telling the sisters who admonished her, “God is not just in these walls. God is in the world.” As fate would have it, the evening before she was to take her vows to join the order herself, she stayed out after dark and was turned by a gypsy vampire named Istvan.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On the angry bigot who threatens Adele on the phone: Now I’ve never been one to pay to much  mind ta the bottom feeders in this town, but I’d recognize that fuckin’ voice anywhere, and Miz Mary MacMilwood would sell her own kids if she thought she’d make a good damn dollar, and she been hockin’ ‘er dead husband’s mama’s jewelry fer years jus’ ta pay fer them ugly ass hats she been paradin’ around in in church, but like I said, I don’t enjoy gossipin’ ’bout your…you…you neva mind mother fuckers, but anyone who calls and threatens Adele Stackhouse ova lettin’ a vampire speak ‘is bizness, bitch, better watch yore fuckin hump back. Ya knows what I’m sayin.’ Knows what I’m sayin.’

On Jason and Tara: The only one who didn’t know that Tara got a crush on Jason…is Jason. Now wha’ that say about how much of a shot in hell she’s got? Truth be told, people like Jason don’t go fer people like Tara, not ‘cuz she don’t have everythin’ a guy would want, but becuz that’s jus’ it. Jason’s lookin’ fer a good time and not a damn thing mo’e.

On Mayor Norris: I’ve neva actually met Mayor Norris…did I? Humm…No I ain’t neva met him, we don’t exactly run in the same circles, but ‘e an’ the Stackhouses go back waaay furtha than it’d be polite ta even count. Far as I can tell, Mayor Norris does ‘is job, does it quiet, and ‘e does it right wit’out too much trouble. Hookahs in D.C. could take a cue from ‘im, but cha gotta think, anybody ‘is age seein’ a vampire suddenly poppin’ up all ova the town he runnin,’ that’d look like the world done lost its fuckin’ shit…but it’s nice…it’s nice ta see a white man who ain’t scare a everything that aint jus’ like ‘im.

On the Redneck Trio: Let me see if I get this right. Royce, Wayne, and fuckin’ Chuck…dumbass, jackass, an’ not good enough ta wipe ya fuckin’ ass. Now these boys been runnin’ ’round our fuckin’ town fer years stirrin’ up the stupid like it’s the only thing they mama taught ‘em how ta do. And ya know, I did catch something different from their beer guzzlin,’ sexually repressed, wrap Jesus up in the American flag, macho bizness, and they got rifles ta go hunt it down. But cha know, I got a female friend impersonator, Condoleeza Spice, ova in Shreveport, she say one a them boys is a regula’ at ‘er show and sends ‘er flowers. Now ain’t that the way it always is? Hmm…

On The Descendants of the Glorious Dead: Like I said, nothin’ bad I can say ’bout Mrs. Stackhouse, but the ol’ white folks she hangs around with once a month. Somethin’ ’bout that seems all sorta messed up ta me…big ol’ rooms fulla blue hairs sittin’ ’round in fancy outfits eatin’ nasty cake and funky smellin’ tea reminiscin’ about slavery like it’s the good ol’ days. I’m not sayin’ we gotta keep the pas’ in the pas’ ‘cuz knowin’ where ya come from is the only way a knowin’ where ya goin,’ and that’s real talk, but ya think my gran’ daddy’s any less glorious than those white folks? I’m still waitin’ on my invitation.

On Randi Sue: Now people come to Merlotte’s to drown their sad little lives in all sorts a shi’at…beer…French fries…but mostly it’s  the promise of say-ux. Fucking! That keeps the place runnin.’ Back when she was married, Randi Sue’d come in all cryin,’ order a couple pints of Dixie, and Arlene would be givin’ ‘er all sorts a advice, being a divorce-a-stupid-fuck expert that she is. Randi Sue wasn’t actually blessed with the art of conversation, so she let her ass shakin’ do the talkin.’ And now that she’s divorced, there ain’t no body shuttin’ that one up.

Episode 6 ‘Cold Ground’

Hint

The withdrawal from V can be severe.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Coroner Mike: Mike Spencer…now there a fool who say the wrong thing every day and twice on Sunday. Guess that’s how he ended up workin’ wi’ dead folks. He done handled every dead person in Bon Temp fa the las’ fo’rteen years…one way ur another. Seen some sicker shit than I have, and I have seen some sick shit in ma line a bizness.

In remembrance of Adele: Now hardly anybody had a bad word ta say ’bout Adele Stackhouse, and the few who did were stupid wrong muthafuckas cuz the Lor’ knows tha’ woman neva had a nasty word ta say ’bout anybody else. Now she was one of the rare people in this word who actually did practice what they preach.

On Hadley: Sookie’s cousin Hadley…I love tha’ fuckin’ bitch. She used ta drive a sweet ass canary Trans-Am over ta Bon Temp Middle School, wait outside fa Sookie, then, when all the kids who treated Sookie like a freak were outside waitin’ fa the bus, Hadley would put on a fuckin’ show. That bitch was jazz walkin’ in ‘er white booty shorts ova ta the passenger side, open the door fa Sookie, then peel out a there like she was in Daytona. Loves that fuckin’ bitch. People jus’ knew not ta fuck wi’ Sookie the same way afta that, but Hadley ran inta some trouble when she started shakin’ up wi’ some meth dealer in Shreveport.  Tha’ hookah wen’ down hill fast, an’ she ain’t been heard a since.

On Uncle Bartlett: Gran’s brotha, Bartlett, started comin’ ’round riiight afta Jason an’ Sookie’s parents died. He was an elementary school principal in Monroe, an’ I guess they thought…ya’ know…’e knew how ta comfort the kids, but it neva seems like good shit goes down when someone swoops in durin’ tragic times…and one day he neva came back…not anotha word ’bout him…makes a brotha wonda. Ya know whaddyam sayin’?

On Lettie Mae and Gran: Now the only time ma cousin ain’t over reactin’ is when she complainin’ ’bout ‘er mama cuz Lettie Mae really was one ate up bitch fer the majority of our lives, an’ it seemed Gran Stackhouse always knew jus’ what Tara needed: a bath, some food, an’ a holy vision a Jason Stackhouse returnin’ from football practice withou’ his shirt on. Ummm…Now there wasn’t much Gran didn’t do fa Tara. Tell ya the truth, Lettie Mae owes Gran fa what little sense ma cousin do got.

Episode 7 ‘Burning House of Love’

Background

Malcolm Beaumarchais

(Born 1760, made vampire 1793) He was the illegitimate child of a Parisian whore who left him in a gutter shortly after birth. He was taken in and brought up by a band of traveling beggars and thieves, who sold him to the Marquis de Sade at 15 for whom he served as a valet until he escaped two years later to join a Dutch circus. He was turned during the Reign of Terror by a former aristocrat, who remembered him from an orgy in 1776 at Sade’s castle at Lacoste. Sades’s pet name for Malcolm was “le garcon de l’eau.”

FYI

People who have ingested vampire blood are often perceived by others as being more attractive.

Hint

Arlene and René appear to have very different feelings about Sookie’s affiliation with Bill.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Sookie’s attraction to Bill: Know them days when a hookah tell you, “Ya lookin’ trim,” an’ all ya can think is, “Well, bitch, when in the fuck did I look fat?” and suddenly ain’t nothin’ in your worl’ goin’ on ‘cept ya thinkin’ too damn hard ’bout thinkin’ too damn hard? Now multiply that by fifty, and that’s wha’ it’s like ta be Sookie Stackhouse cause everybody be thinkin’ too hard in ‘er head, so imagine what it mus’ feel like when Bill brings ‘er quiet tha’ sounds like the hush afta a snow fall, an’ then whispers in ‘er ear that he loves ‘er so big he would deny himself basic animal needs like us sayin’ no to oxygen…or Valium jus’ so he could be with ‘er, and then ‘e makes love to ‘er like a force a nature cut loose ta do some serious damage. Ahhh! My God! Be still my dick…Anyway, no wunda why that girl gotta thang fa him. Hell, I gotta thang fa him.

On Ms. Jeanette: Look, I’ve neva been one ta get down and dirty with the hoodoo voodoo, but I do think there are some big beautiful scary thinks out there we cain’t even bein’ ta comprehend, so if Ms. Jeanette can cure any kinda evil lurkin’ inside somebody, well hell, bitch, more powa to ‘er, long as she don’t drive tha’ beat up ol’ bus in my part a town, tryin’ ta fix everythin’ that’s fucked up inside a me. Cuz, as far as I’m concerned, that’s the bes’ damn part.

On Amy: Sometime beauty is made. Sometime beauty is born, and Amy Burley came into this world all kinds a lovely, but I neva trust pretty for too long, ‘cept when it comes to me of course. But there is somethin’ in ‘er eyes that tells ya she’s lived at least a hundred lifetimes, most of ‘em all fucked up and fabulous. Shore she keeps everythin’ all locked up tight, but when that girl smile, she changes the whole damn planet and your jus’ lucky your ass is on it. Ya know wha’ I’m sayin. If you inta that sort a thang, ya do.

Episode 8 ’Fourth Man in the Fire’

Transcribed by Osterby

Video

Ad for Vampire Motel

Background

Eddie

(Born 1951, made vampire 2007) Eddie grew up in Tennessee and attended Louisiana State University.  Eddie met his future bride, Vivian, in the LSU Marching Band, were Eddie played the French Horn.  Shortly after graduation, Eddie and Vivian married.  They have two children Marc, aged eleven, and Polly, aged nine, Vivian left Eddie in 2007 when he admitted his homosexuality, and shortly after that he was turned by a vampire in Shreveport.

Hints

Wonder what other silver accoutrements Amy has made?
Like all blood, Tru Blood has a very limited shelf life.

In Sam’s office–Notice the figurine of the dog on the mantel.

Bill again alludes to the otherness that Sookie doesn’t quite know she has.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Lettie Mae: Back in the day, ah shiiit motha fuckas befo’ Lettie Mae was a slave to the sauce tha’ hooka had it goins’ on. Used to sew some fine ass outfis’ tha’ she an’ my momma wore ta the jazz clubs in Shreveport and used to cook real good too fo’ the gentlemans friends they met there.  It was neva clear tha’ the fellas came back to Bon Temps for nookie at night or the whole cakes the nex morning.  Tha’s how legendary Lettie Mae’s cookin’ was.

On Corbett and Michelle Stackhouse: The day Corbett and Michelle Stackhouse were lost was a sad day in Bon Temps history.  I mean, senseless shit jus happens sometimes.  Rain had been commin’ down fo’ weeks the ground was too wet to soak the water up, now an inch an a half of rain came down in one hour and jus’ as the water form the riva rose, tha’s when the Stackhouse folks was crossin’ the bridge, and got swep out inta the riva in a car, freak accident, folks say, two people gone, two kids orphaned. I mean damn shit just don’ make sense sometimes.

On Vampires: The hygiene ain’t no ones firs’ priority when bein’ hunted down by three good ole boys how off they fuckin’ ass’s a beer and stupid but Bill, Bill, tha’ motha fucka takes it to a whole new level,  I mean if they ever run short on navy seals the military just need to finds themselves some fuckin vampires cause they bitches been building up some crazy skills, for centuries.  One thing I’d like to kno’ is how the fuck they cover themselves wid dirt once they get in those holes they dig.

On Mabel Simkins: Mabel Simkins, em, bless the Lord Jesus.  She been tryin’ to get my ass in church fo’ seventeen years, ever since she saw me don my first pair a opera gloves.  The lady been ona strick diet of church bake sales, bible study group an’ choir practice since she came out ta’ fuckin womb.   Even befo’ da vampires came out ta play she thought the town was full a devil worshippers.  Now imagine how she feel now the bitch probably been waitin’ her whole life for the chance to rehabilitate somebody as jacked up as Lettie Mae.  Glory to God.  Hallelujahs.  Praise Jesus.  Amen indeed.

On Arlene Fowler: Arlene married her firs’ husband when she was sixteen.  Forty year ole truck driver. He sho’ did love that hooka.  Problem was she loved a whole lotta other sixteen year ole hookas all ov’a the great state of Louisiana.  Second husband din’ las’ mo’ than a week.  Arlene was workin’ as a cocktail waitress on a casino boat, married a man who won big two days later he los’ ev’ra thang he won and threw is bankrup’ ass overboard, he survived, but Arlene knew it was best to move on.  Third husband, was a park ranga’ who got bit by a cottonmouth.  She really loved him, now tha’ was a sad one.  The fourth one was Coby and Lisa’s daddy Darryl.  Ain’t no body know wha’ happin’ b’tween Arlene and Darryl ‘cep Arlene and Darryl but he lef’ town years ago and ain’t nev’a came back.

On Bud Dearborn: Bud Dearborn grew up on his Daddy’s swee’ potada farm, espected to take it ov’a, then, his Daddy sold it to some corporation so he could play golf in Florida for the resta ‘is life.  Oh po’ baby Bud, did’n know nothin’ but swee’ potadas, so naturally he ran fo’ sheriff.  Lucky fo’ him they incum-bant Rusty Lineman had jus’ been caught for usin’ parish money to buy his mistress a pedigree Pomeranian, so Bud won in a lan’slide. Folk aroun’ here like they dowgs to be dowgs not glorified hamsters.

On Bud and Andy: God be havin’ a fine laf da day he put Bud an’ Andy together.  While Bud ain’ pretendin’ to know the firs’ thin’ ‘bout law. Andy goes home and studies old episodes of Columbo at nigh’.  Now this dude be thinkin’ he got sus-pecs in the corner, shakin’ ‘em down, squintin’ those eyes like he got some strategy, when haf the fuckin’ time he question the wrong folks.  Shit, if you lookin’ ta commit a crime Bon Temps should be your firs’ destination.

On vampire politics: It’s hard to get me to give a got damn ‘bout politics, let alone vampire politics.  It seem to me, human or vampire all politicians jus’ a bunch of two faced, double takin’, greedy ass monkey fucks and apparently Eric is Sheriff of area 5.  Which means, as powerful as Bill seen to us, he’s always got someone to answer to.  So motha fuck, you die and come back to life a vampire an’ yo’ ass still answerin’ to the fuckin’ man.  But who does Eric answer to?  Thas’ the real question.

On shady vampires: Don’t believe the hype when pretty Miss Nan Flanagan goes on TV and says vampires ain’t shady. What y’all don’ wanna grasp is tha’ you can’t keep a group down an’ not have ‘em some shady ways ta survive.  Now Bruce thought cause he was a goot bookkeeper he make a l’il extra coin workin’ nights for Fangtasia.  Wha’ he don kno is, you mess up on the job they ain’t jus gonna fire yo ass they gonna terminate yo ass, in every sense of the word.

On Ginger: Ginger was a hard core fangbanger befo’ she ev’a stepped foot in Fangtasia.  She done some ruff shit, hell all she gotta do is look in the mirror.  Now, glamourin’ can erase a bitch’s memory, but it don’ erase a bitch’s drive an’ tha’ bitch could not stay away.  Take a good long look, ‘cause there’s a bitch who’s story will not be endin’ good.

Episode 9 ’Plaisir d’Amour’

Transcribed by Osterby

Video

PSA Vampires Were People, Too

Background

Chow Lin

(Born 1860, made vampire 1901) Chow lived a solitary life ina small village in Central China, working as a carpenter. The only joy in his life came from watching the widow next door. For whom he pined for over 10 interminable years.  When a vampire attacked her at night on a lonely street he offered his life for hers.  The vampire accepted and made Chow a vampire.  Chow thought he’s finally won the woman’s affections, but instead, she recoiled leaving him to an eternity of loneliness.

Hints

Eric is referring to the larger, as yet unseen, vampire hierarchy.

Sam refers to himself as a ‘social animal.’

Sookie doesn’t know that Amy is feeding Jason’s V habit.

When Bill talks to Sam before going to the tribunal–Bill is alluding to the fact that he knows there is something different about Sam that will enable him to better protect Sookie from danger.

It is dangerous for Bill to directly disobey Eric, his superior in the vampire hierarchy.

Again Sam alludes to the fact that there are other ‘creatures’ besides vampires living amongst humans.

A dog runs out of the same place Sam entered only moments earlier.

This dog clearly seems to understand human speech.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Eric Northman: Emf…that gigantic slab of Nordic hotness Eric tha’ run the vampire bar in Shreveport is ‘bout the oldes’ damn bloodsucker around, around these parts anyway.  You can see the fear and respect for him in all the other vampires’ eyes, even when they swearin,’ they couldn’ care less.

On Tina the cat: When it comes to pets, fuck if I can explain what people see in that shit.  Now some of ‘em cute, but they sure as hell ain’t no Taye Diggs.  You kno’ wha’ I’m sayin’ now.  That’s some shit I can get attached to.  I can funkin’ rub his belly, from time to time.  But you know ev’a since Gran gave Sookie Tina for her twelth birthday, she been lovin’ tha’ damn cat like it was a person.  It makes a whole load of sense from where I’m sittin.’ A loyal cat in yo corner beats a whole mess of people thinkin’ nasty thoughts and pretendin’ their not.  Besides Tara, I don’ think Sookie had a better friend than Tina.

On Amy Burley: Wheneva someone says they’ve had a lotta bad shit happen to them like that, it means they think they paid their cow and deserve nothin’ but good from here on out, to which I say, bitch, what?  Maybe bad shit be happenin’ to yo’ ass because, yo’ bad.  Ain’t nobody gotta bag full of drainer shit, silver head net and several years missing from yours short life totally unaccounted fer.  That ain’t somebody bad shit hap’pens to.

On Vampire Nutrition: If vampires don’ eat, whether it’s Tru Blood or the real thing well the new they is, the faster they fade.  They already dead, so there ain’t a whole lotta distance can gotta go to get em there.  If they old, they may not need much, but they need it on ta regula’ just like you and me need somethin’ else on ta regula’.  You know what I’m sayin’, bitch, you know you do.

Episode 10 ’I Don’t Wanna Know’

Transcribed by Osterby

Background

Luisa Ella Prescott

(Born 1801, made vampire 1821) Luisa, born into a poor family in Kentucky, was a tough, independent-minded girl from the beginning.  In 1819 she opened a safe-house for slaves who had joined the Underground Railroad.  Risking severe punishment and death, she helped free up to three hundred slaves, until one of them turned her in 1821.

Magister

(Born 1462, made vampire 1525) He is known currently simply as The Magister.  Jorje was the pride of his relatively poor family when ordained as a monk in 1484.  A forward believer in the necessity of the Spanish Inquisition, he became one of the more feared ‘inquisitors’ in Seville, and oversaw countless trials and executions, including some of his own relatives.  When made vampire against his will, as retribution for his role in the Counter-Reformation, he turned his misfortune into an opportunity to continue to pursue the same goals he had in life, rooting out subversives and heretics to uphold the common good. Posing as a human for centuries, he served as an advisor to Stalin and as Eichman’s right-hand man, then shortly after World War II he was tapped to be Vampire Magister of North America, where he relishes his power to implement the laws of his own kind for eternity.

Hints

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

Episode 11 ’To Love is to Bury’

Transcribed by Osterby

Video

American Tru Blood Ad

French Tru Blood Ad

Hints

Have we seen or heard about any waitresses other than those at Merlotte’s?

Note Lafayette painting his toes.

When Amy is murdered–Notice the killer’s boots.

What is Maryann hinting at when she says, “I get dirty, too.”

When the sheriff’s office receives a fax from the Bunkie P.D.–Doesn’t that look like someone we know?

FYI

Any vampire Maker is responsible for the initial welfare of the new vampire he or she makes.

Lala’s Mother Fuckin’ Commentary

On Kenya: Sheriff Deputy Kenya is the real fuckin’ deal, emf, strong, emf, smart as hell, doesn’t pull a single punch, tho she’s taken a couple, bein’ the only black officer around these parts.  The only goot one anyway.  Shiiiat, I bet she could kick my pretty ass if she tried, not that I’m doin’ anythin’ wrong, a course.

On David Finch: Now I know all about narrow minded mens compensatin’, in all sorts o’ ways fo they inner conflicts, I mean fuck, who do you think my market is?  But State Senator David Finch takes the fuckin’ good gotdamn cake, payin’ me fo’ all kinda dirty shit an’ I’m talkin’ good creative dirty shit and then goin’ on TV an’ spoutin’ about how gays an’ vampires are gonna fuck up family values.  If I eva see him again, I’m gonna stick that American flag pin so far up his ass, his unborn grandkids is gonna be sayin’ the pledge of allegiance ta me.

On Sookie: I don’ blame Sookie fo’ wantin’ the warm sun on ‘er shoulders every chance she gets.  Well, lord knows tha’ hookeh looks good all sun-tanned, sun-kissed and sun-drenched on a Sun-day.  It’s seems ironic tha’ she is datin’ a vampire who can’t even set down for a bacon breakfast let alone lie outs a beach on a drunkin’ lazy afternoon, and if I know Sookie, this is somethin’ she be thinkin’ about every mornin’ she wakes up, alone.

On Lettie Mae: There is one hard and fast rule with drunks, and that is they are the most selfish motha fuckas on earth.  Lettie Mae all up on her high horse cuz she sober enough to use a straightenin’ comb for the first time in fifteen years.  Now she tryin’ to feel like she know how to be a parent, how to set a limit, show some backbone.  But her head so up her ass she, lookin’ at the world through her two front teeth.  Shit, Tara better off without her momma.  She needs to pretend she jus’ sprang fully formed outa the thigh of Zeus, like me.

On Maryann: Miss Maryann Forrester been spendin’ a whole lotta time findin’ folk all lost an needin’  bail and fixin’ ‘em up and sendin’ ‘em all whole an’ Brady Bunch happy.  I don’t know what her fuckin’ game is, but I’m gonna tell you the truth, if it means I can spend some time in her fancy ass house an eat or drink or smoke somethin’ fantastic while I’m layin’ up in somebody’s happy lap, ah shiiat, I might thinkin’ about getting’ myself inta a l’il bit of trau-bal.

Episode 12 ‘You’ll be the Death of Me’

Transcribed by Osterby

Hints

When Maryann says she’s “a lot of things.” What is she alluding to?

Why is Maryann vibrating?

What is Sam doing with all that money?

LaLa’s Motherfuckin’ Commentary